Steve Shahbazian

Reviews

Lady Don’t Fall Backwards by Darcy Sarto

By Leave a Comment

Sometimes, the internet turns up things you never expected to find. As a long-time fan of Hancock’s Half Hour, I’d loved the episode “The Missing Page” since childhood. I could remember Tony Hancock and Sid James getting “Lady Don’t Fall Backwards” out of the library and becoming fixated on trying to work out who the murderer was after finding out that some inconsiderate lout had ripped out the last page. Lady Don’t Fall Backwards. What a brilliant name! It was just the perfect title for 1950s pulp detective fiction that it stuck in my head all these years, so you can imagine my surprise when I found that Darcy Sarto’s fictional fiction actually existed!

Now, I can’t honestly say why I was searching for a book that doesn’t – or, at least, I thought didn’t – exist. What I can say is that I absolutely had to order a copy right away. Before I could do so, though, I had to find my copies of Charles Bearsted’s Complete history of the Holy Byzantine Empire, Plato’s Republic, a complete translation of Homer’s Iliad and Ulbrich’s Roman Law (the Wilkinson Edition, of course) - my computer is so high up, I need to stand on them to reach it.

Lady Don't Fall Backwards by Darcy Sarto - cover image by Tony Ambrose
Cover image by Tony Ambrose

As soon as it arrived, Lady Don’t Fall Backwards by "Darcy Sarto" became a precious relic – like possessing a bit of Hancock's Half Hour itself. I can see how people can become obsessed by memorabilia! Before I started reading, I was curious to find out a little more.

The book itself was published in 2013 by Skerratt Media, following permission from scriptwriters Alan Simpson and Ray Galton, and the BBC. The website was coy about the true identity of Mr Darcy Sarto. However, I did find out that Simpson and Galton had got the name by combining Darcy Glinto and Ben Sarto, the former the pen name of Harold Ernest Kelly and the latter a house name for Milestone Publications “Men’s Own Library.” Interestingly, the former had written a 1950 detective thriller called Lady Don’t Turn Over (personally, I like Lady Don’t Fall Backwards better).

If you’re a fan of the Johnny Oxford series, you'll know the gig. You'll know that he always draws the suspects together in his flat, plies them with drink and lights a cigarette before revealing who did it. You'll also know that the criminal always rushes to the window and throws themselves to the pavement below. Most of all, you'll know the story always ends with Johnny finishing his Manhattan and telling the reader, “New York is now a cleaner place to live in.” However, for those of you who are new to the Johnny Oxford series (or realise this is the sort of series to read when searching for the Loch Ness monster), here’s a quick teaser.

Starting with U.N.O. typist Jocelyn Knockersbury, strangled with her own nylon stocking, a mysterious killer leaves a trail of destruction in New York City. Twenty six rich, beautiful women are found dead – every one falling for the handsome private eye Johnny Oxford before meeting their untimely demise. The D.A. has been to see the governor, due to the sensitive political nature of the deaths – the killer has escaped with the plans and seating arrangement for the peace conference – but the police have no idea what’s going on. Only the cool Johnny Oxford, with his white 47 Buick, can figure it out.

Judging a book like this as a book is difficult. The characters, details and plot points – not to mention the sheer number of murders – were part of the joke, so constructing a story that works as fiction while remaining true to the TV show is a difficult challenge. Talk about real life imitating fiction!

The good news is that “Darcy Sarto” does a great job. Lady Don’t Fall Backwards conveys the feel of 1950s pulp fiction and has everything from the TV episode, bar the library users fighting over the last copy of Lolita. The humour works and the story reads well for the ludicrous number of deaths the author was forced to include. Plus, it has all the bits one would expect, including a stamp from East Cheam Public Library, the advert for skinny men and the publisher's note. How pleasing it was to read that Freda Volkinski “had been asleep in her pull-down bed when someone had pressed the button and she’d flown up against the wall and suffocated.” Best of all, I could imagine that this was what Hancock and James had been reading when they’d been puzzling out whodunnit.

Which brings this review neatly to the one thing we’ve all be dying to know: who on earth did it? Well, good news, my friends. Being the sort of person who looks at the next card when playing snap, I turned straight to the last page and can finally reveal that:

The room was now silent, hanging on Oxford’s every word. He looked around, drawing breath into his lungs. “So Inspector you can see the only person who could have done all these murders is the man sitting over there.”

So saying, Johnny Oxford pointed his finger at

“Men! Are you skinny? Do have sand kicked in your face?”

Needless to say, Lady Don't Fall Backwards is a must-have for the Hancock enthusiast. Now, having finished my Manhattan, I’m off to put Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony on the gramophone and track down that copy of The Stranglers of Bolton by Grant Peabody….

Verdict 4/5

Food City by Michael LaRonn

By Leave a Comment

When I first heard author Michael LaRonn say that he had written a story containing "terrorist vegetables,” I knew this was one I had to read. A Vegetable Liberation Front? Bring it on! I was not to be disappointed. In the front matter, he warns that “this book, quite frankly, is going to be the craziest thing you’ve read in a long time, if not ever.” He’s not wrong. Where else could you read sentences like, “A nearby passenger car struck the guard, then rolled over and spilled out a family of hysterical fried chicken wings.” I knew that Food City was going to be my kind of book.

Overweight and diabetic, Kendall Barnes, is lucky to be alive. Following a life of unhealthy eating, he has suffered a heart attack and is close to death. In a desperate attempt to save his life, his doctor has plugged him into “Moderation Online,” a virtual reality role paying game designed to teach patients the importance of healthy eating. By turning healthy foods, such as vegetables, into characters with names and personalities, players will gain a positive experience of them and associate them with a healthy diet. It’s all perfectly safe, its designer assures Kendall’s wife. What could possibly go wrong?

Food City by Michael LaRonn - cover image

Unfortunately, a hacker manages to infect Moderation Online with a virus. Now, Kendall inhabits a role playing game in which fast foods also have names and personalities – and vegetables have become the bad guys. The result? He finds himself pals with French fry security guards at the Festival of Harvest, where vegetables are hunted down and slain with cutlery.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Food City and loved the wackiness. There’s something wonderful about reading an author taking full advantage of the possibilities of virtual reality and letting their imagination run wild. Who could not warm to hamburger hounds, blue liquorice hovercycles or yellow and white cheeseburger-box tanks?

Beneath the fantasy, there is also a serious side to the book. The reason Kendall’s life is in danger is because of his love of processed food, and it could be said that the book itself is a form of Moderation Online for its readers, emphasising the importance of healthy eating in a fun, enjoyable manner.

The great thing is that Food City conveys its message without ever losing its entertainment value. One reason it’s able to do so is through it use of video game food characters. This allows it to depict scenes that would feel excessively realistic if they involved humans. Seeing video game potatoes and turnips hunted down with cutlery is one thing, seeing the same happening to people is another. This makes an important point. Look behind the Festival of Harvest and you have the Two Minute Hate. The video game setting shows that the sort of mentality seen in Nineteen Eighty-Four doesn’t only happen in dystopias.

In a similar fashion, the war between the Gourmans (fast foods) and Vegetables is a neat allegory for the division between people who otherwise have much in common. It is hard not to be touched when milkshake scientist Dr Geoffrey B. Foster and his children make friends with their marrow (Zucchini) neighbours - Slim Pepo and his family - after defecting to the Vegetable kingdom. Despite their differences, they find they have much in common.

To find out, then, that Gourman security slaughtered Slim Pepo’s family after abducting Geoffrey was a real shock. In a humorous book, it was a moment of real pathos and the understated manner in which it was written made it all the more poignant; the fate of the vegetables sadly symbolising all too much of human history.

Artemus peeled off, and the rest of the vans followed. Geoffrey fell into the grass. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was Slim and his family, piled on top of each other, burning.

The star of the show, however, has got to be Kendall Barnes. Overweight, childish and cowardly, you just can’t help rooting for him! He is hapless, always overtaken by events, yet you know he wants to do the right thing and has paid a high price for indulging in foods he enjoys. The author deftly balances the comic and serious elements in his character, so that one never undermines the other. I loved his “Hey, what about me? Don’t leave me!” mentality and the way he always seemed to be playing catchup, yet I always got the feeling of someone heroic waiting to emerge. His character arc hit the sweet (or should that be savoury?) spot.

I must confess, I'd been expecting the story to focus more on Kendall’s real life story, rather than being inside the game the whole time. This certainly wasn’t a biggie and never spoiled my enjoyment, but I did wonder when we would see the consequences to Kendall of the game going wrong. The good news is there is a sequel which does precisely that! Salad Days takes the story forward, with Moderation Online’s creator trying to figure out how to restore the game. What will that mean for Kendall Barnes? Will he come good and learn to live healthily? I look forward to finding out!

In short, Food City is good, clean fun and you will come away with a warm feeling. If you’re looking for something fun that’s just that little bit different, then I definitely recommend you read it.

Verdict 4/5

The Black Coat by Neamat Imam

By Leave a Comment

Review by Steve Shahbazian

I first heard of Neamat Imam’s The Black Coat in a newsletter from The Literary Consultancy. “Since the day I mailed my manuscript to TLC, they would not stop until I was accepted by a top literary agent,” it said. Hmm, I thought. Maybe worth checking out. Having read the story, I can see why The Literary Consultancy was so enthusiastic.

Set in a newly independent Bangladesh in the early 1970s, The Black Coat is the story of Khaleque Biswas, a journalist for the pro-independence newspaper “Freedom Fighter,” whose job it is to follow the war with Pakistan and inflame people with a passion for nationalism. Not above inventing stories about his enemies or hurling abuse at them (they become “cockroaches” who should be “hanged twice”), he is a man of righteous causes but few scruples, and he quickly establishes himself as a splendidly unsympathetic – and unreliable – narrator.

The story starts out with Biswas investigating the story of war hero Mostafa Kamal in the village of Gangasagar, where he meets local villager Raihan Talukder and is presented as “very close to Sheikh Mujib” – the revered leader of the newly independent Bangladesh.

Following the war, things don’t quite turn out as planned for Biswas. Nur Hussein, a young lad from the village of Gangasagar arrives on his doorstep with a letter of introduction from Raihan Talukder, imploring Biswas to help find him employment. This quickly proves difficult and, embarrassed to report that he had failed to find him employment, Biswas takes Hussein on as a caretaker. However, Biswas’s narrative hints that he is being economical with the truth:

I did not need a caretaker; in fact, I hated the concept of enslaving someone to secure my own comfort. That was obvious exploitation. But he needed me. If enslaving him protected his existence, I should happily go for it.

Things, however, do not go well for Biswas. When he tells his editor, Lutfuzzaman Babul, that he wants to set out on a different direction – one critical of Sheikh Mujib and his party the Awami League, one that seeks to ensure there is food for everyone, he is summarily dismissed.

Fortunately, he discovers that Nur Hussein does possess one talent: an ability to mimic leader Sheikh Mujib. Realising he has a precious asset, he trains Hussein to be able to deliver Sheikh Mujib’s most famous speech in front of beggars, taking him to the barber and purchasing for him the black coat worn by Mujib. Biswas realises this is ignoble, but also that it promises easy money. The lure of easy money wins.

It also brings him to the attention of Mujib coat wearing Awami League MP and organiser of Sheikh Mujib’s private militia, Moina Mia, who realises he can use them to drum up faltering popular support. At first, Biswas is reluctant to don the Mujib Coat of the Awami League and is physically sick. Weighed against this, however, is the promise of even more money. After meeting Sheikh Mujib, Biswas forgets his previous radicalism and becomes Sheikh Mujib’s adoring acolyte. Worshiping power, he becomes blind to what is happening around him: he doesn’t see the disquieting events surrounding Moina Mia, grows indifferent to the starvation around him, and becomes ever more aggressive in his personal behaviour.

Nur Hussein is not so blinded. Horrified by the famine and the politicians’ indifference, he publicly speaks out against Sheikh Mujib. When word gets back to Moina Mia, Biswas realises the predicament he is in, and the story ends with a powerful finale.

I’ve spent longer than normal summarising the plot of The Black Coat, because the story is so good. The characters are all believable and Khaleque Biswas’s narrative gives us the right mix of insight and delusion, as we follow his ever more contorted justifications for his power worship. The depiction of a newly independent Bangladesh set between its devastating war with Pakistan in 1971 and its possibly even more devastating famine of 1974 is extremely well done.

Opinionated, unpleasant and frequently violent, Biswas may not be every reader’s taste as protagonist. However, his obnoxious character is absolutely necessary to highlight the his callous disregard for the suffering of the ordinary people. It also highlights the way that he deceives himself over his own desire for status, and this is neatly symbolised by the way his self-justifications change when he puts on the black coat. Most of all, his exploitation of Hussein symbolises the sophisticated politician's exploitation of the powerless villager. His very odiousness is central to the story.

The writing is clear and subtle: we see through Biswas’s self-justifications to see the worthlessness of his deeds, we see the shock that he never does, without the author ever ramming home his point. The result is both well-written and hard-hitting.

My only (very minor) quibble was the last two chapters didn’t quite work for me: somehow, the change of tone felt too abrupt. That aside, this is an outstanding work of literary fiction from an author I shall certainly be looking out for. A must-read book.

Verdict: 5/5

Delphine Descends by Darrel William Moore

By Leave a Comment

Delphine Descends is the second novel by author Darrel William Moore. Told from multiple perspectives, it is the story of Delphine von Dallas as she negotiates the treacherous politics of the Imperial Network. After her home planet of Leto is attacked and her family killed, she is taken to the prison planet of Furoris to begin her forcible re-education to become a serf. On pain of death, she can look forward to a life as chattel, which in the Imperial Network, is far better than her prospects would otherwise be. “Do whatever it takes to survive,” her mother tells her. It is a lesson she takes to heart.

At this point, I would normally withhold the subsequent twist from you, only you’ve probably read the sales description, which gives it away. Look away if you don’t want to find out! Delphine is not who everyone believes her to be – she is in fact Kathreen Martin masquerading as a senator’s daughter.

Delphine Descends by Darrel William Moore - cover image

(If you didn’t manage to avert your gaze in time, don’t worry! This is not the main plot twist!)

Trapped in the treacherous waters of Imperial Network politics, where she has few friends and many enemies – including arch-rival Nox Madre – she makes it her mission to bring down the Imperial Network to avenge the death of her family. Knowing some of its secrets, she plans to turn its strengths against it and destroy the institution of serfdom. Yet, all the time, she is hiding secrets of her own, and her own motives remain mysterious – even to her.

As Delphine’s motives blur, her life grows more complicated: bringing down the Network and surviving at all costs may not necessarily be compatible. In a world where a friend today could be a foe tomorrow, she finds that she is as much a part of the system as her enemies are. Perhaps she has underestimated the Imperial Network all the time....

I discovered Darrel William Moore’s writing through his excellent YouTube channel Book Odyssey, where he looks at the authors, books and ideas that have made up science fiction. I really liked the channel, so I thought, “Why not have a look at his writing?"

Although outwardly written in a science-fiction world, Delphine Descends isn’t out-and-out science fiction, being more focused on the characters and rivalries than the technologies and concepts of the world. This is not a bad thing – I certainly did not mind – but it is worth noting in advance, as someone who expects out-and-out science fiction may look for things that aren’t there. Take the book on its own terms, though, and it delivers on what it sets out to achieve.

Whatever category we might place the book, the science fiction world building worked really well. I found myself absorbed in the fictional world and caring about what happened. The characters were mostly unpleasant and their world brutal (you have been warned!), but world and character alike were interesting and developed as the story progressed, so this was not a problem. Give me something horrible yet fascinating over pleasant yet dull any day of the week!

At 520 pages, this is would normally be a little on the long side for me. However, the story didn’t feel especially long and I raced through it fairly quickly. The author managed the tension and pacing well, so that at no point did I find the story drag. Even during the necessary slower sections, where the story could have got bogged down, the author always kept a little something unexpected up his sleeve to keep the story flowing. The combination of some good twists (which I shan’t spoil) and multiple points of view, kept the story fresh and maintained momentum, so this remained an enjoyable read throughout.

Now, as a reviewer, it would be remiss of me not to mention a few minor criticisms. While the world-building really was very good and very absorbing, there was a paucity of description, meaning I often found myself unclear about what characters looked like or how fictional devices were used. I still have no idea what a NO screen is (which might just be me) and I would have liked to have seen someone using a handhelm early on to get a feel for what it looked like and how it worked. Overall, this did not spoil my enjoyment, but it could have made for a slightly neater reader experience.

Although not a major problem, my main barrier was the character of Delphine von Dallas herself. The basic idea behind her was excellent and well executed, but I did find that her constant need to have the last word in every exchange – and invariably being awarded it – spoilt my enjoyment. That said, I loved the way her character had developed by the end, and her character arc was really satisfying.

I also thought that some of her exchanges with characters such as Nox Madre, Aadi Kamdar, General Bourne felt interchangeable, and there could have been more subtlety in the interactions between the Imperial Network’s politicians. All too often, adversaries would square up, bare their teeth and make plain their utter dislike of each other, where a veiled hatred behind oily charm and false bonhomie would have been more like real-life politicians. Then again, perhaps we don't want to think too much about real-life politicians....

In any case, these weren't biggies and certainly didn’t detract from the story. I really enjoyed Delphine Descends and put the book down feeling positive when I got to the end. As a writer, I know how difficult it is to write long-form fiction, so I was very impressed by the way Darrel William Moore maintained the tension over 520 pages, writing an engaging – and delightfully brutal – story. I will look out for novels by him again as well as watching his excellent YouTube channel.

Verdict 4/5